<3 ^,..,^

Like this one:

The part at 3:22 is just amazing…. I just melt when I hear it. Beautiful…

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Yes.  I made him to please me. 

Isn’t he sexy as hell? 

I’m looking so much older every day.  But I long for something real…  Something magic…  Something amazing…  I am such a dreamer.  I’m beginning to believe that this is all there is.  That this thing of never being held and never being hugged or touched is all I will ever get the rest of my life.   If the right word was said I might have the confidence to fly, but right now, I have nothing but dreams.  And dreams just aren’t enough.  Not enough to build on.  Not enough to build my strength.

All I really want is real love.  Desire.  Passion.  Need.  Want.  Yes, security.  Yes, comfort.  But there has to be more.  And I’m tired of begging and bringing it up…  Of dropping hints…  Of outright asking…  I want him to want me.  Not “do it for me’, like some kind of chore that must be done to keep the wife happy.  And damn it, I am so tired of it all falling on me to do something.  The next person that tells me to wear a sexy gown and seduce him I am going to punch into next year.

When is it gonna be MY turn?  I’m starting to think something happened along the way and it’s made him no longer want me.  An affair maybe?  I don’t know.  Right now all I can do is doubt myself.  And yes, I have asked.  Over and over.  I get nothing but a halfhearted effort to “do it for me” as I said before.  Which is NOT what I’m asking for.  All I can do is look at myself and say I am the problem.  Because for god’s sake, I’m not being shown any different.  He has absolutely no interest in me whatsoever.  So why the fuck am I still here?

Because there’s nowhere to go.  Because I have no job, no driver’s license, no education, and quite frankly, I’m ugly.  So there you go.  My life in a nutshell.  It’s just easier to play an online game than it is to look in the mirror.

Today, Cliff wanted to see the movie Avatar, with its five extra minutes of footage or whatever.  He wanted me to go with him.  So I went.  I got motion sickness for a while believe it or not, which surprised me, but otherwise the movie was very good.  Still, two things struck me.  First, the whole time I watched it, I thought about how much I would love to be able to become one of my characters in my online game, and two, he never touched me through the entire trip.  Not a hand on my back, not holding my hand.   Even when his leg brushed against mine he shifted position so it wouldn’t happen again.  I am acutely aware of these touches because as a general rule, I am rarely touched by him.  So, what did I do to deserve this standoffishness from my husband of 13 years?  The same man who couldn’t keep his hands off of me when we got married?  Honestly, I think something changed a few years ago.  I don’t know what, but something major did.  Something that had nothing to do with me, I think.  Though of course, this is all guessing and I could be wrong.  But there is a feeling there.  Things definitely changed.  And though some of it can be blamed on his C-Pap machine and him forcing himself to sleep in a recliner every night, we were still intimate in the beginning, and he still touched me the rest of the time.

I am rambling on and on about this.  Sorry.  Thing is, now I can’t even bring myself to hold out my hand, or just take his whether he wants it or not.  I can’t seem to do it anymore.  I did used to at least try.  Now, I think I’ve changed too.  With the lack of interest from him, I have lost interest IN him.  So, what am I going to do?  I just don’t know anymore.  I told myself I would give it a year, but time is marching on and nothing, not one thing, has changed between us at all.  Maybe the trip we have planned will change that, I don’t really know.  As I told my friend in the game, the trip will be the biggest decider, because we never had a honeymoon.  If nothing happens there, its never gonna happen anywhere.  And that’s when I’ll need to sit down and think about what I really want and where I want to go from here and how I want to handle things.  Because, man, this shit ain’t right.  (Pardon my slang.) And I gotta do something for myself.  Because I want more in this life than what I’m getting.  Before there were excuses.  Now there are none.

Well, except for me being ugly.  That one still exists.  Who knows, maybe that IS what it all comes down to.  I’m a big fat ugly woman and not touchable or hugable or desirable in any way.  And if that’s true then I am back to just being as happy as I can with dreams.  Because at least dreams won’t hurt me.

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Oh my gosh.
This one too.

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And this one too.

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We called Max today.  He laughed when he heard our voices, and waved at the speaker box too.  He’s so happy and doing so well.  We are proud of him.  He’s doing great.

I haven’t heard anything more from Ian other than one email from like his second day.  He has talked to Marjorie apparently.

Cliff lost his car keys in the ocean today.  Luckily he had recently found a spare key.  But of course, the house keys and all are missing as well.    He got blisters walking back home barefoot and stepped in sand spurs too.  Oh, the joy of life.

And me?  I’m still fat and ugly, but I’m working on it. 

<3 ^,..,^