attention shoppers

Chapter Three

Rabbit Retreats and Whacked-Out Wallabies

The Wallaby is completely dressed and standing by a map of the mall (glass frame/cover hinged with a locking arm and open at the moment - map on a hard slick shiny surface - Glass or some kind of plastic maybe? Lit from inside like a light box - angled at the top of a wide column-like stand covered in the same tacky puddy colored tile as the floors of the main walkway of the mall) He's painting as carefully as he can with his tiny little arms, copying from a small steno book with green pages (notes written in many colors of ink all over the pages) and cussing to himself. There are a couple of bald spots around his head and the back of his neck. As we watch Daniel and August approach him he stops to check his work. His sleeves are rolled up and covered in paint specks.

Um . . Excuse me, sir?

The Wallaby looks up from the steno book and stares straight ahead.

Y-Y-Yes?

One of his paws is noticeably shaking.

We were told to come ask you-

(barely a whisper)

Not another change . . .

(not hearing him)

. . .the way to the Rabbit Retreat . . .

The Wallaby smiles and lets out a sigh of relief. He turns around, still smiling.

Why certainly! Mr. - uh . . .

Golden. Daniel Golden.

Mr. Golden. Ah . . . Yes. The Rabbit Retreat. Of course. Dreadful place. Its like the "Island of Misfit Toys" only its Easter and they're all RABBITS! Cute little mamby pamby fluffy bunnies! In pink and blue and lilac and other such sickly little girl colors! With out stretched "hug me" arms and cute little clothes on that match their fur. Eeew! They give me the shivers!

He turns back to the map and motions for them to come close. The map is color coded and is huge and star shaped. Somewhere in the very middle he points at the map. He turns back to them, smiles, then stops and frowns a second. He pulls a pair of spectacles out of his breast pocket and looks closer at the map again and nods.

Yes. You are here, right now, you see, right where that red dot sits, and the Rabbit Retreat is - well, lets see . . .Ah, yes, (he points again) there.

He's pointing at a tiny spot at almost the end of one of the arms of the star shape, the one that lies directly in front of them with the rain and fog. Just then lightning flashes from far down that branch of the mall.

Great. The one with the storm.

Could be worse.

(He's looking down into the dark branch too and gestures to the left with his right paw.)

You COULD have to be going down THAT way and there's BOAT show down that way and oh - How I HATE boat shows. And of course, down that way its Halloween. (Gestures to his right toward a branch at an angle from them) and the one next to that one is under construction and this one (he raises his hands in despair.) It keeps CHANGING. I'm not sure why. There's this group of shoe store owners who INSIST they must relocate their stores every few days. Look at this (holds up the steno book) I got this list of changes and upcoming events two days ago. I haven't finished getting it all up on the maps yet, and they (points to a shoe store behind Daniel and August) are already packing to move AGAIN! And I haven't even got them on the map HERE yet! And now they're got the coffee shops and the book stores interested in changing around too. I tell you, it's driving me MAD! (he pulls out a clump of hair from the back of his head)

What if you got them to make their own changes? You know, give them the paint and the brush and tell them if they want to make changes, they have to fix the sign themse-

(the Wallaby covers her mouth and glances around nervously)

SSSHH! SSSHHH!!!! (Whispers) don't say that out loud! Someone will *HEAR* you! You'll put me out of a job talking that way! SSHHH! And I have a mouth to feed!

(He releases her)

(whispering)

Oh. Sorry.

(straightens his jacket and smiles politely - speaks loudly enough folks (A.K.A. things) passing by can hear)

So I hope I've been of help to you then, but I must get back to work. Have a good day.

(He makes a "move along" gesture)

They walk in the direction the Wallaby showed them on the map.

"A" mouth to feed?

His own I assume?

(slightly amused)

Hmmm.....

They walk by a shop selling candies, some of which look very much like small candied tropical fish and chocolate covered butterflies with their wings still attached. A cat in a chefs hat is behind the counter trying to catch a moth on the ceiling while standing on a stool. He catches it with his paw and opens the pot on the stove, tossing it in. There's a distinct squeal heard from the pot as he opens it. A mouse like squeal vaguely sounding like the word "help".

The next hall/branch of the mall they pass contains the boat show the Wallaby was referring to. Close to them were the typical motor boats one expects, but the farther back you can see, the larger the boats get until as far as the eye can see back, there is a huge ship with sails fluttering in the breeze of several revolving fans. Various creatures are mulling about looking at the boats and just generally shopping. Opposite the boat show is the Halloween celebration. Dark and spooky with orange lights strung up all over and fake spider web everywhere. Pumpkins, ghosts, the usual Halloween fare.

The next branch on the right is bright as daytime. Far up (many levels) in the top of the mall they can see the faint glow of a pale blue sky through the spider webby net of girders and glass. A small flock of birds fly by their view of the sky on the inside of the mall and are gone somewhere in top of the mall.

Things are moving all around them. Plants are hopping in pots or walking in complicated rolling tendrils, gophers are having donuts and coffee at a table with a palm tree who's having a nice glass of something clear and cold with ice in it and a straw, a collection of TV remote controls of various colors and sizes are gathered together shouting and being generally very teenageresque, a very tiny creature mostly made of two impossibly tall and thin legs steps carefully over everyone in his path, his tiny triangular body topped with two huge eyes watching where the feet are going, etc. In other words, everything seems alive.

Another flash of lightening makes them focus again on where they're going and they see a group of creatures standing around talking leaning to one side of the entry to the branch. As they get closer you can see name tags on each of them and they are all wearing similar garments that fit their shape and size and are all in the same color. One is a Puerto Rican man in his mid twenties who's fairly short with sleepy eyes, next to him is a refrigerator with quite a few scuff marks and a damaged handle that's been polished to a sheen, next to him is the only lady of the bunch, a large drooling black bear in a uniform with a skirt, (she has her hair long and slightly over one eye) and she's flirting with the others, and then there is, off to the right of the bear, a cane in the same color as the uniform, watching the storm behind them. It lets out a yelp and opens into an umbrella and floats down to cover the bear's hair as the rain starts pouring from the cloud. As Daniel and August pass the security crew they hear:

(in a deep distinctly southern accent - flips her hair)

Thanks sugar

(French accent)

Anything for you, my dear.

August and Daniel duck into a shop while the rain comes down. At first it appears to be a garden shop, but of course, this is Canzuss and plants are people, so Daniel steps back out and looks up at the sign at the top of the entrance. He steps back in.

Well?

The "Garden Teapot".

Ah . . .

They walk up behind a row of plants of various sizes and shapes waiting in line to buy tea and read the menu on the wall. "Fancy compost, mild fish, green sand, hearty blood meal, super phosphate, rich manure, manager's special of the week - This week rich manure with blood meal!"

(Makes a face and looks at Daniel)

Yum.

Yeah, uh, maybe it quit raining out there?

They nod to each other and peek out. The security guys are still standing across the hall. Rain is still coming down, but its only a drizzle now. Daniel sees an abandoned newspaper lying crumpled on the floor under one of the booths. He grabs it and unfolds it into a tent shape and he and August head back out into the mall. There's the sound of mumbling right by August's right ear. She glances in that direction while they are running but doesn't see anything. She still hears it while they walk up to a nice center gazebo surrounded by a small water feature with a waterfall cascading down around both sides of it. There's a circular bench in the center of the gazebo. They dash up the three short steps and sit down while Daniel shakes out the newspaper and hands it to August.

Better keep that I guess. We may need it again.

(very low very distinct voice - like a tv news anchor or a weather radio station)

. . . the weather today . . . fog on the west side with a slight drizzle toward the central areas coming around midday but clearing up by early evening . . .

Do you hear that?

All I hear is water.

(lifts the paper to her ear)

For sale . . .large used dog. Floppy ears. Pretty good cook. Howls only on weekends. Best Reference: man's best friend . . .call 555-2673 . . .

I think it's this newspaper.

(he's watching the waterfalls)

What?

It's the newspaper talking, listen . . .

She holds the newspaper up to Daniel's ear and leans in and listens too.

For sale . . . apartment at 117 Yellow Brick Road, East Side Hill. Small, two bedroom, two bathroom charmer, with nice view of bath house and fish pond. Bright colors, low ceilings . . .

It IS the newspaper.

He unfolds it again and they turn to the front page. The name of the Newspaper is "The Canzuss Endless Chatter". The front page has a color picture of a large stone lion smiling while standing next to a giant size key and a very short hairy man in fancy pants with a very tall striped hat on.

They read the caption while the newspaper voice recites it.

The Mayor awarded Frank Casey with the key to the city at a ceremony this Thursday, All were smiles.

Further down the page:

A photo of a very fat striped cat with a big smile and a toothpick sticking out of his mouth is holding up a deflated raft in another area of the mall next to a rapidly flowing stream in a concrete channel.

Again, they read the caption while the newspaper voice recites it.

Five penguins were killed yesterday when the raft they were on capsized close to the feline market house. None of the five birds were found. An investigation of the market house revealed only a handful of feathers and the busted raft a citizen had rescued from the rapids.

Amazing.

Yeah.

They quickly glance through all the pages but see nothing that helps them know anything more about where they are. Daniel folds it up and puts it in an inside pocket as the rain lets up.

They walk back out the way they came in and head toward the Rabbit Retreat again. They have to climb a few steps up and around the waterfalls that curve around the gazebo. Many weird shops and cafes are all around them. They see all kinds of strange creatures shopping and working in the mall. They see to their left up on a scaffolding in a section where it's still raining workers pulling up girders and constructing a new section of the mall. They are creatures of all types. Men, machines, large beasts. A white horse in a hard hat shouts orders up to one of the large machines which nods what appears to be a head and lifts it's load another level higher. While looking at this Daniel bumps into a very thin man who appears to be made of folded paper. He's wearing a derby similar to Mr. Pickles' and he lifts it and smiles at them.

Excuse me, Sir? Miss? May I interest you in this lovely set of kitchen shears?

(He whips out of nowhere a black velvet display where a set of glittering scissors of various sizes are laid out in indented spaces made just for them)

They are made from the finest stainless steel and bonded in Super Magno Coat, the magic coating that saves you hours of scrubbing and disinfecting.

Uh . . No thanks . . . Sorry.

They push past him while he's still talking about the scissors.

Another paper man in a different color suit and hat appears in front of them.

Excuse me, Sir? Miss? May I interest you in this lovely set of kitchen knives?

(This one whips out another velvet case in green with a set of knives laid out on it)

They are made from the finest stainless steel and bonded in Super Magno Coat, the magic-

Uh, no . . . Thanks. Sorry.

(To August)

Geez.

They take a few more steps forward and August jogs a little to keep up with Daniel.

A paper man steps in front of her and she bumps into him. This time he's dressed in purple.

Can I interest you in this wonderful bottle of Super Magno Coat?

(Holds up a drink bottle sized plastic container with a label in orange and yellow ink that says "SUPER MANGO COAT great for everything metal.")

Mango?

(flustered)

What?

It says Super mango coat. Not Super Magno Coat.

The Paper man looks at the bottle.

Oh. It does.

The other paper men join him and they all look at the label. In just a few seconds dozens of Paper men rush to the one holding the bottle. August and Daniel step back out of the way. The one in purple pulls a cell phone out of his pocket and says something into it while a hush quiets all the other paper men. He nods and says "umm hmm" a few times.

. . . but it says "Mango" . . .

Paper man #3 listens for a moment or two more. He then says something to the crowd of paper men and they all nod to each other. August and Daniel start heading on their way again, but August keeps looking back. The paper men all speak in a huddle and then one of them pulls out a pen and marks through the "mango" on the bottle and writes in "Magno" they all nod to each other and the one in purple closes the cell phone and puts it away. The crowd disburses. August turns back to face forward again and runs into a hippo in very flashy gaudy make up and clothes. Its not a real hippo on four legs. It's more like a cartoon hippo on two. She sprays something in August's face and makes her choke.

(little girlishly squeally voice)

Don't you just LOVE it? It's Eau de Mango!

Wait a minute . . .

(grabs the bottle and reads)

No it isn't. It's Eau de Magno. Maybe you need to go have a chat with those paper guys back there.

(He hands the hippo back the bottle. She reads it and squeals with agony and runs (more like shuffles) to the paper guys)

August meanwhile is squealing herself. She rips off her glasses and looks at him. Her face is silver everywhere except where the glasses were.

Oh my GOD!

(Laughing)

Let's find a bathroom.

He leads her to a café just to their left. The doorway is in the shape of a man's face with a wide open mouth showing teeth and a carpeted tongue. The eyes of the face are squeezed tightly shut and tears are painted around the closed eyes. The sign on the forehead is painted in funhouse style lettering and says "The Laughing Head Café". Inside are little bistro style tables with little curly wire chairs to match. A few people/things are enjoying various stages of meals. The atmosphere is dark and a little tinged with yellow. The whole place seems aged like a silent film set. Daniel leads August (now quite blind without her glasses) to the counter. Ita a nice big glass display like in most of the cafes and shops they've seen along the way. Inside are fake dishes representing the various choices from the menu. The menu very colorfully painted hangs over the counter close to the ceiling. Its beautifully written in some insanely scrolly lettering that is obviously another language. Behind the counter a very large hand taps on the glass and motions toward the display. Behind the hand is the body of a huge man. So huge in fact we cannot see his face, only his shoulders, belly and hands. He's wearing an apron that's seen better days. He says something very deep in a language we don't understand and points again at the display case. He then holds up three fingers. Daniel looks down in the case finds number three and sees what looks like white plastic covered wire drowned in a clear reddish glue with some chunks of brown dried and cracked playdoh stuck in it.

Oh, no, no, I'm sorry sir. My friend here just needs a bathroom. She was sprayed by-

(peers around from behind Daniel - squinting)

The body behind the counter chuckles once, then guffaws.

(other language words then:) MAGNO?

(More laughter.)

A voice shouts from a door behind the man and it swings open. We can see nothing but the open door.

Magno? (More words in other language) Mango, Magno! (Laughter)

The voice lets the door swing shut and we hear telling of the same story again in that other language and lots more laughter.

The man behind the counter slams his hand down and then lets out one last guffaw. He motions to the left. As Daniel leads August in that direction he passes a glass jar. Inside two eyes open. It's a head. A man's head. It shouts something in that other language at them but the man behind the counter explains about August and the Mango/Magno incident and then the head is laughing too.

Daniel comes to a swinging door. There are no signs anywhere to indicate he's in the right place, but he takes a chance and enters anyway. Inside are two more doors. Both are clearly written on, but they're written in that other language. So Daniel takes a chance and picks the left one. He knocks, no one answers, so he turns the knob and goes in. Contrary to the dark café, the bathroom is bright and well lit. He leads August to the mirror. He hands her wads of paper towels and they scrub as much of the stuff off as they can.

This is the craziest place I've ever seen.

I told you.

There's a bang on the door and a voice.

Sorry! Be right out!

They throw the trash away and open the door.

A tall (maybe 6 or 6½ feet tall) remarkably thin woman who glitters like a brass candlestick is standing there waiting. She is wrapped in thick gracious folds of silks and other fine fabrics in various rich colors, and on the top of her head the same brass makes the rim of a hat on which the stub of a large white candle is burning.

(Taken aback)

Oh, GRACIOUS!

(Heavy accent - German maybe?)

Sorry. Excuse me.

Me too.

Humph!

(man's voice - Same kind of accent)

Really! Both of you at the same time? How vulgar!

(rolls her eyes)

Oh REALLY, Reginald? What do you think WE'RE doing?

She pushes past Daniel and August and ducks her head as she enters. A tiny spot of wax drips down and splats on the floor before she steps in. She dodges it without even noticing.

Daniel shrugs at August and the two of them walk back out into the café. There's much more noise this time and lots of laughter. They step out by the counter again and see dozens of jars with heads in them all around the room and lots of things having meals and giants giving out plates and clearing tables. A hand waves to them from behind the counter and says something in that other language. The head in jar on the counter winks at them and laughs. They quickly go back out into the mall.

Okay. I think I've seen it all.

My problem is I don't believe anything I've seen.

(looking around)

We've got to be getting close to this place, haven't we?

Maybe we can find another map?

No . . . Wait . . .

(he stops walking and watches something across the hall walking parallel to them.)

Do you see that?

August looks and she sees, just between the bustle of creatures heading to and fro, a white fluffy toy rabbit, walking with some purpose in the same direction they were heading. He's fuzzy with his arms sticking out to both sides and has huge floppy ears. He seems to be wearing a mint green vest.

Follow the rabbit?

Yep. Follow the white rabbit.

(They begin watching the rabbit and walking the same pace as he does - This is difficult, as he walks much slower having such short legs.)

You know, I vaguely recall saying that before.

Saying what before?

The words "white rabbit".

They continue to follow along with the rabbit. As they do they get a bit closer and can see he's wearing an orange hat in the shape of a carrot. They are nearly upon him when he bolts across the hall to their right and into a magnificently carved doorway. They dash after him and stop when they get to the door.

Oh boy.

Now THIS is something the Wallaby failed to mention . . .

The doorway is huge, nearly 12 feet tall and made of dark intricately carved wood. At the top of the doorway is carved a noble looking Easter bunny in a basket with a large bow. Along both sides of the doorway under the basket are carvings of several bunnies in various costumes surrounded by baskets, Easter eggs, chicks, and carrots. Two huge carrots form an archway and inside the archway are a series of smaller and smaller archways until you see the door, about three feet in from the exterior wall and only about three feet high. Next to the doorway is a small sign on a metal pole that says "For Oracle go to side entrance" with a white arrow pointing to the left. They do as the sign says and turn to the left, walk to the edge of the wall and look right. Theres a nondescript metal door painted a shiney black with a sign painted on it that says "Oracle of Gum". There's a tinted window high above the door and as the door is in a dark hall/alleyway there's a faint glow from the hanging light fixture inside. They walk to the door and hanging on the knob is a tiny sign that says "please ring buzzer". Just beside the knob on the casing of the door is a small button in a plain brass rectangle. Daniel pushes it and they wait.

Isn't that a peephole?

(She's peering at something at about Daniel's eye level that's fitted into the door.)

(Is looking down at the same sort of object on the lower half of the door about 2½ feet from the floor)

I was just about to ask you that.

She looks down at the one he's talking about and he looks up and the one she's talking about.

Oh. . .

Who is it?

(Angry - sounding rather annoyed)

We're looking for the Oracle of Gum? We were told it could help us-

And WHO are YOU?

Oh, I'm August and this is Daniel Golden.

And WHO is that?

?

Who are YOU that I should let YOU in?

(Frustrated grunt)

WHO SENT YOU?

Mr. Arborvitae actually.

The door unlatches and creaks open.

A small blue fuzzy stuffed bunny glares up at them over the rims of thick specticles. Even though he's only about12 inches tall, he's very foreboding. His fuzzy little arms jut out on each side of his body as if asking for a hug and he wears a large white daisy sewn to his chest. He taps his foot in irritation.

Mr. Arborvitae, you say?

(Speaks in clear precise English)

Well then, I suppose you MUST enter, not that we are the least bit happy about this.

He motions for them to enter. They walk in. The only light is from the ceiling fixture. The room is very smoky and narrow and painted black. The bunny shuts the door and then leads them down the dark hall and out of the light to another metal door painted white. There's a window high above and light is coming through making lit up lines across the doorway. The bunny opens the door.

DANIEL

So? Who cares? It's a long drive to nearest town and it's better than listening to me sing, I assure you.

AUGUST

In THAT case, okay, here goes....

AUGUST

(Can do as a flashback)

So as I was saying before, the car missed me and the spaceship beamed me up. It was pitch black inside and there were no sounds at all. With nothing better to do and with no one to ask questions to, I got up and wandered around, feeling my way in the darkness the best I could. There wasn't much of anything in the room at all until I saw someone moving just in front of me. At first I thought I should hide. Then I thought Ha! Where? So I decided to seek out this person and find out where the hell I was. So I carefully stepped closer and closer and at the same time that other person stepped closer and closer. I was beginning to think it was another someone abducted like me until a light came on just over my head and I realized I had been walking toward my own reflection in a huge mirror that seemed to stretch on to forever in all directions. But there was still, even in that dim light nothing to see behind me. I tapped my foot testing the sound waves and there was no echo at all. The floor wasn't carpet. In fact it seemed to be made of metal, and the bottoms of my shoes were hard and should have clacked loudly with every step I took. But they didn't. So I looked again at my reflection. There was something odd about that too. The mirror seemed to ripple slightly, like a breeze over a bowl of water. I reached out and touched it, but my fingers felt nothing and went right through the surface. Startled, I pulled my hand back, but there was no sensation at all, no pain, no wetness, not even a temperature change. So, with one last glance around I stepped through.

DANIEL

Oh boy...

AUGUST

What? You wouldn't have done the same thing?

DANIEL

Well, yeah, I would, but not so fast. I would have explored the black room more.

AUGUST

Uh-huh... (Rolls her eyes) I was suddenly in a bright green light. It took a few minutes for my eyes to adjust and there I was... Apparently standing in an elevator.

DANIEL

Oh come on. An elevator?

AUGUST

Hey, do you want to hear this or not?

DANIEL

(grunts and nods)

AUGUST

Anyway, I was in this elevator, or tiny room, whatever you want to call it. And there was this man standing next to me. Well, he wasn't really a man... I'm not really sure what he was, but anyway, he was standing next to me reading a newspaper and the room started to move... Just like an elevator. And then just as suddenly it came to a stop and the walls seemed to ripple and I was suddenly standing in a shoe store. Or maybe the shoe section of a department store. Anyway-

DANIEL

A shoe store?

AUGUST

Yes, so any-

DANIEL

A SHOE store?

AUGUST

Yes! Are you going to act like that every time I say something or is that a reaction you save just for the dramatic bits?

DANIEL

Go on go on.... (Thinks: A mental hospital... That's where I should be heading. This woman needs serious help!)

AUGUST

Ready?

DANIEL

What? Oh, yeah. Ready.

AUGUST

So ANYWAY, I'm standing in this shoe store okay, only it's the oddest shoe store I've ever been in. There were shoes for all kinds of creatures. In fact while I was standing there a huge creature with lots of legs was having the poor shoes salesman (at least I assume that's what that little scaly guy was) put on each shoe for her because she was too fat to reach them.

DANIEL

(Thinks: Oh boy....)

(They pass a city limits sign)

AUGUST

Another little scaly guy had seen me and was straightening his jacket as he walked toward me when the air wobbled and I was on the elevator again. The same guy was still there reading his newspaper and he glanced at me. "Wrong floor" he said. And suddenly I felt the elevator move again and stop and the walls gave way to a huge docking bay of some kind. There were spaceships just like that one parked all over the place. It was like a big garage. Anyway, two giant toothbrushes shoved me into another room-

DANIEL

Toothbrushes.

AUGUST

(just looks at him and then continues) And there was this throne and this giant yellow eraser shaped like a duck was sitting on it, and he was talking about a juicyberry bush and peanut butter and how awful and unacceptable it was that these things should happen. And the whole time he was talking, this drink bottle with little wings was flying around his head and he was swinging at it.

DANIEL

So that's where the duck eraser comes in...

AUGUST

Yes, and anyway, the duck eraser suddenly noticed I was standing there and ordered me to be taken away, so these toothbrushes pushed and shoved at me to get me to go into yet another room just off the throne room and again I found myself in total blackness.

DANIEL

No mirror this time?

AUGUST

No. But the same light came on just as before only this time it was shining on this robot-

DANIEL

Now a robot...

AUGUST

(another dirty look)

Yes, it was sitting in a chair directly under the light.

DANIEL

A metal chair?

AUGUST

A wooden chair. Why? What does it matter?

DANIEL

Oh, well, I just wondered.

(Daniel notices a hospital sign and turns in that direction)

AUGUST

Anyway, the robot had the body of a human, but its head was like a flat screen tv and the words "Knock, Knock" were typed there in bright neon green.

DANIEL

There's a lot of green in this place.

AUGUST

*sigh* Yes.

DANIEL

Did you say Knock, knock?

AUGUST

Yes. I got quite an extensive education on Knock knock jokes while trying to get information out of that thing.

DANIEL

Did you?

AUGUST

Hmm?

DANIEL

Did you get any information out of the robot?

AUGUST

Oh! No. None. So, after what seemed like hours and hours a bunch of toothbrushes and an ostrich suddenly appeared and took me away to a really tiny little room where the ostrich and the tooth brushes and a giant can of soda all interrogated me under a very bright light. They were all pretty bad but the ostrich was the worst. He kept shouting the same question at me over and over. "Where is Anera Narud? Where have you hidden him?" They were frantic! So anyway, the ostrich and the can of soda stood outside the door for a few moments and when they came back in the duck eraser was following them and he said they had this job for me and that the whole planet would be indebted to me if I could find Anera Narud. So they stuck me on that spaceship, gave me a few very short lessons in how to steer and here I am.

DANIEL

So they sent you here to find this Anera Narud guy and you're actually doing it? Why not just blow it off and go on with your life?

AUGUST

Why? Is that what you would do?

DANIEL

Sure. Why not? How're they gonna stop you from turning your back on it?

(The pane of mirror glass and the workers step across the street and the car goes right into it while they both scream)

Daniel closes his eyes and grips the wheel of the car so tightly and then all of the sudden he's sitting on his butt on a hard surface holding nothing.

DANIEL

(opens one eye)

What happened?

AUGUST

See for yourself.Daniel closes both eyes again makes a mental wish to be home in his nice warm bed sleeping and opens his eyes. The man in the derby is staring at him from over the top of his newspaper. Daniel squeezes his eyes tight again.

DANIEL

No way.

AUGUST

(smiling)

Yes way.

(She grabs his hand and tugs)

DANIEL

(stands and the man in the derby looks back at his paper)

No way!

AUGUST

Daniel, calm down I'm sure they'll tell us what's going on. Open your eyes!

DANIEL

No WAY!

Daniel covers his eyes and stumbles over August's purse right into the man in the derby who screams and explodes in a puff of green dust that falls to the floor like snow and melts into the newspaper.

AUGUST

OH MY GOD! YOU KILLED HIM!

DANIEL

No, no, it was an accident! Aw shit!

Daniel starts feeling around the walls for an exit. The walls ripple and shimmer and they feel the elevator move.

MACHINE VOICE

Mr. Daniel Golden, you are accused of the murder of Mr. Dill Pickles the elevator operator. How do you plea?

DANIEL

What? What?

(Daniel stands still and cocked his head to one side. )

Did you say Dill Pickles?

He chuckles at first but then bursts into uncontrollable laughter and falls on the floor.

AUGUST

Daniel? Daniel? What's so funny? Stop it! Stop it!

MACHINE VOICE

Mr. Golden, how do you plea?

DANIEL

(Slowly calms down and is lying flat on his back and staring at the ceiling.)

I don't know... That name... Just struck me as funny. I guess it's all the crap I've been through for the last few days. Just one thing after another you know?

MACHINE VOICE

MISTER GOLDEN! How do you plea?

He stands up with help from August.

DANIEL

Well, I suppose there's nothing I can do but plea guilty. I did it. It was an accident, though. Any hope of getting off with a lighter sentence Mr. Disembodied voice?

(Silence for a beat or two)

I SAID, ANY HOPE OF MY GETTING OFF WITH A LIGHTER SENTENCE-

AUGUST

(hands over her ears)

I'm sure they heard you the first time.

DANIEL

I don't suppose I could claim temporary insanity-

MACHINE VOICE

Mr. Golden you have been sentenced. You must pay for your crime. Please pay in the slots provided.

There's a rumbling and one wall shimmers and ripples until a vending machine appears projecting like a bubble through the wall. A small piece of paper spits out in Daniel's face. He grabs it.

DANIEL

Verdict. Guilty. Accidental death. Amount owed is two dollars and fifty-eight cents and one large button.

MACHINE

Please pay for your crime in the slots provided.

DANIEL

Two dollars and fifty-eight cents? That doesn't seem like much....

MACHINE

Your plea of accidental death was considered.

DANIEL

Yeah, but two dollars? Isn't life worth more than two dollars and fifty eight cents?

MACHINE

That's the cost to regenerate Mr. Pickles. Please pay in the slot provided.

DANIEL

Regenerate? Whoa! Really? You can rebuild him? You have the technology?

MACHINE

Yes. Please pay in the slot provided.

AUGUST

Come on Daniel. Before it changes it's mind. And don't worry, if you don't have it all, I have the button.

(Holds up a large brown button and grins.)

Daniel fishes in his pocket and comes up with two bills and some change. He takes August's button and inserts all the cash into slots. After a moment of whirring and clicking....

MACHINE

(sing-songy voice)

Thank you for using Serious Crimes Incorporated. We appreciate your business and look forward to serving your needs again in the future. If you would like a brochure detailing our many services, please press the red button now.

After a few seconds of noise a cookie sized knob appears directly in front of Daniel's face. He turns to August who rolls her eyes and presses the button for him.

MACHINE

Once again, thank you for using Serious Crimes, Incorporated. Sentencing Senseless Crime is our Business. Your brochure and change are in the large slot at the bottom of this mobile pay unit. Thank you and have a nice day.

The machine whirred and clicked like a drink machine, and Bates reached down and pulled out a multicolor brochure, seventeen cents, two small buttons, and a peppermint candy wrapped in cellophane with the words Thank You For Your Patronage printed on it.

DANIEL

Am I going crazy?

August snatches the brochure and taps the top of his hat.

AUGUST

Who knows, who cares, we're stuck here for now. Just try not to blow up anybody else.

AUGUST

(She opens the brochure, to map size and begins reading aloud.)

We can service at a moments notice all your crime needs. Murder, Assassination, Massacre, Poisonings, Burnings, Sacrifices, Ritual Murders, Bombings, Raping, Date Raping, looting, stealing, robbery, armed robbery, armored robbery, singing in public, feeding zoo animals, peeping Tomery, streaking, exhibitionism, prostitution, drug dealing, drug using, drug abusing, whistling in a library, smoking in the non-smoking section, and much morel Each is less than the cost of a burger, fries and soft drink at your favorite fast artificial food/recycled food center. What fun it will be to show all your friends documented proof and video recordings of your slaughter and dicing ritual burning murder of the Boss, or that Masochist raping and beating of that blond who keeps sun bathing in the nude next door, or the time you decided to go Christmas caroling in March while out partying with the guys. Crime was never so easy! Who said crime doesn't pay? We never have any deliquent accounts thanks to our new mobile pay unit. The MPU goes where you are, right at the scene of the crime. MPU cleans up the mess, takes your money and gives you a tasty breath mint. It's just Serious Crimes, Incorporated's way of saying thanks for committing that crime.

DANIEL

This is one seriously fucked up place.

They both look up from the brochure to find themselves standing in a huge mall.

AUGUST

Oh boy... This is just like that shoe store.

DANIEL

Ugh... I think I'm going to be sick...

August helps him walk to a bench where they both sit down and August folds up and puts away the brochure while Daniel puts his head between his knees to fight off the nausea.

AUGUST

I wonder what's happening now? Maybe we should ask someone.

DANIEL

Ask? Who? I don't see any people here . . .

(Watches a desk lamp hop by trailing its electric cord behind it like a tail. )

. . . make that "human" people . . .

BUSH

Of course you don't my son. Your aren't on Earth anymore. (The voice came from the bush directly behind them, now it appears having been sitting on the bench behind them all along.)

DANIEL

(sighs - surprise is no longer an issue - and turns to look at the bush)

I sort of gathered that we're not on earth. I should think that's rather obvious. What I haven't gotten grips on yet is why. Why are we here? What's going on? How come it's so easy for us to get here, especially her. (he jutts a thumb at August) What is the purpose of all this? When are we going back? Why did it get me and not just her? Why why why? (He dives his head back between his knees.)

BUSH

My goodness you have a lot of questions!

(chuckles)

This is the Planet Canzuss. I don't know why you're here, only the great Gum can know that. You could go to the Rabbit Retreat and ask them. They have the great oracle of Gum there. Perhaps they could answer your many questions.

The bush stood up and begins to walk away.

DANIEL

(Takes a deep breath, swallows and jumps to his feet.)

Wait! Where is this Rabbit Retreat?

The bush points to a lighted map hanging on a wall across from them next to which is a very distraught Wallaby in a suit and bow tie.

BUSH

Look there my friends. I must go get a trim.

AUGUST

(Smiles)

Thank you Mr..

The bush turns around and sticks out a branch.

BUSH

Mr. Arborvitae. Just call me Arby.

(Shakes hands with August and then with Daniel.)

AUGUST

Nice to meet you Mr. Arby.

ARBY

Oh no, just Arby, please.

AUGUST

My name is August and this is Daniel Golden who was kind enough to give me a lift this evening.

ARBY

Nice to meet you as well Mr. Golden.

DANIEL

Uh-Yeah.

ARBY

You know Daniel, helping people is a wonderful thing to do.

DANIEL

Uh-Yeah.

ARBY

(He leans in close to Daniel and says very low)

Even if it does get you in a world of trouble.

DANIEL

(smiles)

Ha.

ARBY

Well, goodbye friends.

(He waddles off and waves)

See you in the sunshine.

He walks into a salon called "All the Trimmings" where many creatures of all sorts are getting their various hair and other odd growths trimmed.

DANIEL

Odd. Strange place. Strange world. Canzuss. Amazing. So now if I tap my heels together three times-

AUGUST

Doesn't work. I already tried.

August turns toward the direction Arby had pointed them in. The Wallaby is jumping up and down on what appears to be a box of paints and an easel.

AUGUST

The Rabbit Retreat.... Hmmm.... I wonder if it's a white rabbit.

DANIEL

The way things are going we'll have to stop at the Mad Hatter's tea party before we get there.

They look around for a moment as if waiting for something to happen. Then Daniel shrugs.

DANIEL

Guess not.

They both smile and walk toward the Wallaby and the map.

ATTENTION SHOPPERS

by Bonnie Phillips Gardiner

FADE IN:

EXT.ALLEY BEHIND A BAR-EARLY EVENING-IT'S RAINING

Daniel Golden is tossed into a heap of trash in the alley. Laughter echos from a door off screen. In a moment, a box flies out of the same door and into a puddle of water by his feet. He gets up and dusts himself off. He picks up the box and water drips out of it. Printing on the box says; Watchuset Cigarettes. He tosses the box into the pile of trash.

DANIEL

I hate this. I hate all the noise, the people, the jobs . . . I hate the city.

He walks out of the alley and onto the street. A taxicab has to avoid him as he steps in to the road without looking. The cab driver shouts at him and keeps going. Daniel reaches in his pocket and pulls out his keys. His car sits waiting for him, parallel parked, across the street. The car is so black it almost gets lost in the dark. There is a yellowing reflective pinstripe down the side. From the way it waves as it follows the side of the car, and the way the ends are starting to peel off, it's obviously a amateur job. He unlocks the door and slides in, just as the cellular phone begins ringing.

INT.CAR

DANIEL

Yeah?

MISS HILL

Mr. Golden?

DANIEL

(Rolls his eyes)

Yes, Miss Hill.

MISS HILL

Mr. Golden, your January payment is past due.

(beat - she clicks her tongue)

Also your December payment, your November payment and the rest of October's.

DANIEL

(Grits his teeth)

I know, Miss Hill. I'm on my way now.

MISS HILL

Oh, good. I'll have the tow truck called off then. It's at your house.

DANIEL

Great.

MISS HILL

I assume you'll be here in a few minutes.

DANIEL

Sure, yeah, a few minutes.

He hangs up the phone.

DANIEL

Bitch.

The car speeds off into the city.

Just as Miss Hill said, the tow truck and two flunkies were waiting in front of his house. He sighs. He knows he doesn't have the money and had no way of getting it in the next five minutes. The tow truck guys will wait all night if they have to. He shakes his head.

DANIEL

Well, you said you hate the city.

EXT: LOTS OF DRIVING SCENES AT NIGHT BY MOONLIGHT WITH DANIEL SINGING LOUDLY (AND POORLY) ALONG WITH THE RADIO

The highway is pretty much deserted. Lots of quiet. The grasses in the tired fields blowing in the breeze like green ocean waves and even sounding like ocean waves. He passes through a sleepy town (basically one row of buildings - a main street - and then gone) almost completely dark and then through more grassy fields.

Daniel remembers a show he saw on TV called "Amazing But True!" (Or something along those lines) On the show a man is interviewing a farmer about the strange appearance of a crop circle in his field. And then Daniel gets an idea and grins.

Daniel pulls off the road and jumps out of the car. Rummaging in the trunk he pulls out a series of short bungee cords and a baseball bat. He heads straight into one of the grassy fields.

An hour or so later, he wipes his brow and steps back to view his handiwork. Though not as good as some of the ones he had seen on television, he has created a legitimate looking crop circle, about ten feet across. He tosses his tools back into the trunk and in a few moments he's again speeding off down the highway. Not one car passes by during the making of the crop circle.

More long driving scenes.

Daniel yawns and shakes his head.

DANIEL

Christ. (Opens the window and shivers in the cold wind.) I've got to find a place to stop.

A whistling noise catches his attention. He rolls up the window. It's faint but still there. He slows down and rolls the window back down. The road is deserted. He can see for miles behind him and no one is coming. He stops the car. The whistling is louder. There is a faint roar, like an airplane far in the distance. He looks up in the sky but all he can see are hundreds of stars not visible in the city, and a fat full moon. The roar is louder. Lights are glowing in the distance but he can't make out what's coming. He gets a little frightened and turns on the ignition. Light surrounds him, the car and the highway. (Very "Close Encounters" like) A giant saucer shape with blinding white lights hangs in the air in front of his car at the top of the hill. The roar and the screech become a wail. Daniel holds his ears.

The monstrous object teeters and wobbles a moment, then crashes to the ground like a stack of dishes. Pieces explode off of it as it bounces twice and slides off to the side of the road, partway into the ditch. The lights, the hum, and the wail all stop. The night resumes it's eerie and uncaring silence. Smoke rises from the object and sparks a small fire breaks out on one side.

Daniel parks the car on the curb gets out. Flashlight in hand, he cautiously approaches the object. It's forty feet across, silver and littered with graffiti. There are no windows on the underside and the top is too high to see clearly. The skin of the vehicle is made up of metallic square panels, molded to the side and then riveted or soldered into place. He touches it and is surprised to feel it's cool and slippery surface is spongy, like the binding on a leather book or an expensive leather briefcase. His fingers leave an indentation that slowly springs back when he raises his hand from the surface. Another panel is spattered with black smudges. Daniel touches it. With grinding and a loud click, the panel flies open. Daniel jumps back. A grey metallic arm pushes out of the opening and settles like a foot on the ground. A panel on the other side does the same. An arm projects out of it. The end of the craft stuck in the ditch also tries to rise and level out. The gears groan and creak as they try to lift up both the ship and the mountain of dirt it's stuck in. Daniel, seeing a possible catastrophe, backs up as far as his car and watches as a flurry of sparks starts another fire and bits of broken panels fall to the ground. With a thud, the ship collapses, hitting the ground hard enough to shake Daniel and his car, and raising a huge cloud of dust.

There's a loud click. Daniel jumps backward. Shining the light in the direction of the noise, he watches as a hatch flies open on the top of the saucer. Light streams out through the dust in the air and lit up the sky over the ship. Daniel sucks in a breath. Something white seems to fly right out of the hole and lands somewhere around the bottom edge of the craft. Daniel shines his light down at it as he cautiously walks toward it. When it doesn't move after he taps it with his toe, he picks it up. Its a small purse, white imitation leather with a goldtone clasp. Its smudged with oil or grease and beat up in a few spots. Daniel cocks an eyebrow up and looks up at the open hatch.

AUGUST Hey! That's mine!

A young woman climbs out of the open hatch on the roof of the ship. The way she's dressed reminds him of a few pop music icons of the Eighties. He smiles. He must be having a nightmare.

AUGUST

Hey can you help me get down? The steps didn't work.

She's standing on the roof of the object with her hands on her hips. Without a word, Daniel reaches up and helps her down. Her dozens of bracelets clatter as she lands on the road and holds out her hand.

AUGUST

(Smiling)

Hi! I'm August.

She frowns as they shake hands.

AUGUST

Well, I'm not really August, but that's what my friends called me.

DANIEL

(cocks his head to one side.)

Uh-

AUGUST My friends called me August 'cause we were in a band, see.

August grabs her purse and rummages through it.

AUGUST

Everybody in a band has a neat name, so they gave me the name August 'cause of my auburn hair and stuff.

Daniel nods and glances at the car.

AUGUST

We had to be like everybody else if we wanted to make it, you know. Do as the big groups do and stuff. You know.

August smiles at him and stuffs a piece of the bubblegum she had found in her purse in her mouth.

AUGUST

Want a piece?Daniel raises his hands and shakes his head.

DANIEL

Oh, no. That's okay. I'm fine. Thanks anyway.

AUGUST

Sure.

She shoves the package back in her purse and points noisily at the Raedanuran.

AUGUST

Can we go now?

Daniel looks all around them. He looks up at the crashed object, out at the fields, down the highway, at the sky, at anything but the car.

DANIEL

(points at the ship)

What's that?

AUGUST

Oh, it's a spaceship. I'm afraid I ruined it. I couldn't get the landing gear to work.

DANIEL

(whispering to himself)

No kidding.

August turns and looks at him, and stops chewing her gum.

Daniel smiles and shrugs his shoulders.

August turns back to the ship and resumes chewing.

AUGUST

You wouldn't believe how long I've been cruising along this road looking for someone to help me.

DANIEL

You cruised along the road?

Daniel's jaw drops.

AUGUST

Yeah. You're the first person I've seen, and I've been going along here, geez, at least an hour.

DANIEL

You cruised along the road?

AUGUST

I was beginning to think there was no one out here. I really didn't want to navigate this tanker in the city.

DANIEL

You cruised along the road?

August stops chewing and looks at him again. Daniel realizes that look was going to get on his nerves first of all. Second would be the gum, and third would be those damned bracelets.

DANIEL

I'm just surprised you did that without being detected by something.

AUGUST

(chewing again)

Detected? Mister, if you knew how many of these fly right under everybody's noses every day, you'd wonder why we bother looking for anything to detect. They just try too hard. They're thinking too small. Leaves big open gaps. You'll see. I'll show you. Right now I need to get to a phone. I have to find someone called Anera Narud.

DANIEL

Anera Narud?

August sighs deeply.

AUGUST

I know. Weird name right? Should be easy to find, but its not. There is only one Anera Narud according to the duck eraser. Only one on the whole planet. The whole planet, he said! I told him how many people are on this planet. Or at least how many were on this planet when I left in 1986. All he could tell me to do was to find him. They don't know what country he's in, what he looks like, what he does for a living, anything! But I'm supposed to come back and find him. Pop here and pop back, like a genie or something.

DANIEL

Wait a minute. You left in 1986?

AUGUST

Yeah. I was abducted November fifth, 1986. I was walking home from a role-playing game. I used to go a lot with a friend. Hated to play, but I hated to be home by myself even more. That's one of those games where you spend a god awful fortune to be sure you have all the latest magazines and rules so you can keep the other people in the group from falling asleep during the two day playing session. Yuck. A lot of weird dice, weird hopeless people and empty lives. I decided to live my life instead in the real world, and that was the night they chose to get me.

She took the wad of gum from her mouth and tossed it into the ditch.

She pointed at the sky. Daniel looked up. Stars filled the black night.

DANIEL

Anera Narud. What an odd name.

AUGUST

That's not the real kicker though.

DANIEL

Yeah?

AUGUST

When they picked me up, they were locked in on him. I got in the way, and they zapped me instead.

AUGUST

It's true. That night I was walking along the road. I had been angry and I was cussing to the world as I marched down the highway. A car zipped right up behind me really fast. It startled me and I stumbled, falling into the road in the path of the car. They swerved and missed me, but just as they did, I was pulled from this world and ended up in their world. Whoever was in that car was Anera Narud. The thing is, all I can remember is a big black car.DANIEL

Well, there's an awful lot of those in the world.

AUGUST

I know. I tried to explain that to them, but they insisted that if I got back to the exact spot that they'd picked me up at, my job would be easier. Ha! I went back to the exact spot.

AUGUST

(points her finger down the highway.)

It's only fifty or so miles that way! And you are the first awake person I've found. You're not Anera Narud, right?

DANIEL

No. I'm not.

AUGUST

(shakes her fist at the stars)

See, you morons! It's impossible. This whole trip is impossible. And look at me! I look like a Madonna fan club throw back. They insisted I wear what I wore the day the guy almost ran over me. Can you believe this? I thought this looked sexy. I was gonna be a singer. I wrote some pretty creepy poetry, so my friends wanted me to sing and write songs. Me? I thought it was cool then. Now I shudder to think about it. Still, the 'August' thing stuck. So, what was your name again? Sorry, I rattled on a bit.

DANIEL

Daniel . . . Daniel Golden.

They shake hands noisily again, thanks to August's bracelets.

AUGUST

So, can you help me?

Daniel looks at her. August stands, holding her purse in both hands in front of her and smiling at him.

DANIEL

(Making a sour face)

Well, I guess so. I'm not exactly busy . . . But what do we do about that?

He juts a thumb toward the spaceship.

AUGUST

That's one thing I do know.

She pulls a small box out of her pocket book and pointed it at the ship.

AUGUST

Destruct.

DANIEL

What?

Daniel dives into the driver's seat.

AUGUST

Calm down. Watch the ship.

In a few moments the ship begins to wrinkle and wiggle. It seemed to slowly deflate. A few minutes more, and it collapsed into a pile of soft ash, and began to blow away in the wind.

AUGUST

It's some kind of internal flame thing, I guess. All I know is, it's a chemical reaction of some sort. Breaks it down to original dust particles and gases. Cool huh?

DANIEL

Yeah.

They both sit in the car, he backs out of the ditch and pulls out onto the highway, bound for a phone booth.

DANIEL

Did I hear you say, 'duck eraser' earlier?

AUGUST

(Looking sheepish)

Yes, well. It's a long story.

DANIEL

I don't know about you, but I've got all night.

AUGUST

Okay, well . . .If you insist. But I'll warn you now, you're not going to believe me.

So, here is the new and improved official Attention Shoppers website.  I wish I had good news, but alas, the comic is still quite stuck to my hard drive.  We aren't sure exactly when we will be able to afford to get them printed.  I still want to skip all of that and try to do a CafePress version, but we don't have the required software to make a PDF file. 

Always the problems!

Anyway, I hope I can get printed editions out there soon.  If anyone can help with converting Corel Draw or Adobe Photoshop files to a complete PDF with all the pages in it please email me! 

Thanks!
-Bonnie

The first issue of Attention Shoppers has been completed for some time with hopes of  a good Brenner print job sometime early next year, BUT due to unforeseen circumstances we will be unable to afford to have them printed darn it, so I'm gonna try and go the cheaper way out and use CafePress.  BUT, I don't have Microsoft Word, or the Adobe software used to build a PDF file, so it may be a little while still.

Darn it.